Thanksgiving Visits

Hello!

Well it is Sunday night and the week of preparing and enjoying Thanksgiving with my family is over. How does that make me feel?

This Thanksgiving was the very first Thanksgiving where my three eldest children began the tradition of "going home for the holiday." My two girls came home from college and my son came home from his group home, located a few miles away.

What lessons did I learn?

I believe that parenting is all about getting your own childhood right, so I was interested to observe how my children perceived a family holiday to be. In my mind's eye, I hoped to see the kids come home and be thrilled to see each other, and chat and laugh and catch up on their lives since their last visit-which for us was August. And there was a bit of that. But there was so much more.

I experienced what I call "a bit of mirror watching" myself. What do I mean? Well, by mirror watching I got to see my parenting, of my children, front and center. I got to see what they absorbed as important family tradition and what they valued and looked forward to. For each of them it was different yet similar. Each child presented to me, through the looking glass, what they interpret their family connection to be.

First one to share, because she was the first one home, was my youngest daughter. She's the child who is a little ditsy and unorganized but very sensitive and fun. She pulled in a bit later than I expected, around 3:30, with her boyfriend, laundry, computer, and cello. She didn't date much in high school so the boyfriend thing was a big deal. Thus her first family connection I viewed was "introducing the boyfriend" and "displaying couplehood." They were cute, talking about their trip and sharing semester stories; she even gave him a hug and kiss in front of me. Next was her laundry connection, "don't worry mom, I'll do it." And she did. Then the computer thing, which I didn't really understand. She was on it all the time, watching TV, talking with friends, doing homework...but I guess that was her way of socializing; sort of like when I came home and was on the telephone with my college friends so much of the time. And then there was the cello. Her connection was to show us how much she's learned. Since violin is her main instrument, hearing how well she played the cello was her way of saying, "See mom, I am working hard."

My elder daughter came in next. She charged through the door (literally) with laundry in hand and gabbing 1000 words a minute. This daughter has a lot to say and a myriad of opinions; all of which have to be shared upon sight. She connects with her ideas. She knows we value ideas and discussion and she displayed it full force. It was important to her that we know everything she's learned. Then she threw all her laundry in one load in the machine, on cold, and went out to meet with friends. As she is twenty-one we don't see her till very late in the night, or should I say early morning. She shows me through the looking glass that she is grown up and wants me to recognize it. And I do.

Then there's my oldest son who lives six miles away. He decided he wants to sleep over and he brourght his laundry too. Are you seeing a pattern? Evidently, family tradition and connection revolves around bringing the laundry home. Only this child believes it's my responsibility to do it. And I do.

Our youngest son realized that there were a bunch of people disrupting our usual routine and he had a bit of a hard time adjusting to it. His idea of family connection was seeing if anyone would play a game board with him, and invited everyone to listen to his piano playing of his newly learned holiday songs. This wasn't exactly what the older ones planned to do, but they agreed and I think all had a good time.

The days flew by and before I knew it, I was living out the re-packing and gathering stuff, from all over our home, to put in their cars for their departure. It was chaotic and sometimes stressful, but all four of them were excited to participate, thus showing me, it's fun to be home and fun to get ready to leave again.

And then there was our departing tradition. You see, we live on an unusual cul-de-sac, one where the front of our home faces the cul-de-sac and the back of our home faces the road that leads into our sub-division. Anyone who visits us gets a "double send-off." We've done it for years. It entails lining up on the front sidewalk to wave good-bye to our guests and then running down the path to the back sidewalk and waiting for the car to pass by again, where we do the waving one more time. Many-a-visitor has received the "double send-off" over the years. It's our signature good-bye.

As the years have passed and different family members have left, the waving family members fluctuate. So today, the kids all left at the same time. My husband, my youngest and I, gave the hugs and kisses on the front sidewalk and waved frantically as they pulled away from the curb. Then the three of us ran down the path to the back of the house and stood there waiting...just the three of us. The cars passed, we waved, and everyone connected one last time for the holiday.

After we could no longer see the passing cars, the three of us strolled back to our front sidewalk again. This time though, we instituted our newly added family tradition-one that the three eldest children don't know about, and never will see. It was the "happy dance" tradition. The three of us broke out in twirling and twisting, dancing crazily to the imaginary happy music playing in our heads. We danced for a few minutes, laughing and smiling...then we stopped, held each other's hands and headed back inside.

I wonder what the neighbors think...

Anyways, I hope your Thanksgiving was happy, reflective, and that you got to do your own special happy dance too.
Have hope,
Donna